Retention Deficit

Retention Deficit is the sixteenth episode of Recreation.

Plot
At the opening scene, Lopez, Simmons, and Donut realize they are out of ammo and contemplate their deaths. Following a bad translation of Lopez by Donut, Simmons and he consider that The Meta probably used a vehicle to get to Valhalla and try to figure out where he might have hidden it. Donut then brings up a stumbling block by mentioning that the vehicle might be a two-seater. After Simmons tells Lopez to turn off his ears (which he disregards), he and Donut consider leaving Lopez behind. Back at the temple in Sandtrap, Epsilon-Church tries to figure out all the functions of his new body by accessing his long-term memory. As they watch on, Caboose whispers to Tucker that Church accessing his memory is not a good idea due to the conversation Caboose had with Washington about the danger of those memories. Church accidentally finds a movie of his body vaporizing a soldier with a laser and excitedly tries to find the function. Tucker tells him not to touch anything, which goes unheeded. Church then turns off his short term memory by accident and ensues in a nonsensical conversation with Caboose in which Church forgets what he said one second ago. During this, an explosion occurs and Tucker ascertains that the dig team has breached the temple.

Characters

 * List of characters in Red vs. Blue

Red Team

 * Simmons
 * Donut
 * Lopez

Blue Team

 * Church
 * Caboose
 * Tucker

Others

 * Epsilon
 * Washington (Mentioned only)

Transcript
Donut, Simmons, and Lopez are keeping watch at Red Base.

Simmons: I'm out.

Donut: Me too!

Simmons: Well, that’s it. I guess we’re done, then.

Donut: Yeah. Simmons, I have to say, I didn’t think I would go out like this.

Simmons: Yeah, whatever, that’s nice.

Donut: You’re not curious how I thought I would go out?

Simmons: No. No, not in the least.

Donut: How about you? Did you think you’d go out like this?

Simmons: Underequipped and surrounded by people I hate? Yeah, that’s pretty much how I pictured it since I got assigned into this unit. You see, I’m a realist.

Lopez: I always thought I would be taken out by poor maintenance.

Simmons: Lopez is right. We need to think of something.

Donut: Can we escape?

Simmons: I don’t see how. He’s faster than us and stronger than us.

Lopez: (glares at Simmons) Plus, somebody blew up all our vehicles.

Donut: Good idea, Lopez!

<p style="text-align:left">Simmons: You understood what he said?

<p style="text-align:left">Donut: Yeah! High school Spanish, remember? He said the Meta must have gotten here someway.

<p style="text-align:left">Lopez: I did?

<p style="text-align:left">Donut: We just need to find his vehicle, and steal it!

<p style="text-align:left">Simmons: That’s a good idea, Lopez!

<p style="text-align:left">Lopez: ''It is? No it isn’t.''

<p style="text-align:left">Simmons: Okay, let’s think. If you were a crazed lunatic, where would you hide a vehicle?

<p style="text-align:left">Lopez: ''Maybe he cloaked it. That’s what I would do.''

<p style="text-align:left">Donut: A garage is too obvious, Lopez. We need to think of something crazier.

<p style="text-align:left">Lopez: Stop translating for me!

<p style="text-align:left">Donut: Crazier!

<p style="text-align:left">Lopez: That wasn’t even a suggestion!

<p style="text-align:left">Simmons: Well, clearly Lopez is just having an off-day, so let’s ignore him.

<p style="text-align:left">Lopez: Fuck you guys.

<p style="text-align:left">Simmons: So we’re looking for some kind of vehicle, probably parked by Blue Base…

<p style="text-align:left">Lopez: You’re talking as if you know there is a vehicle!

<p style="text-align:left">Donut: What if it only has two seats?

<p style="text-align:left">Simmons: Hmm, I didn’t think about that… Hey Lopez, turn off your ears for a second.

<p style="text-align:left">Lopez: ''What? Why would I do that?''

<p style="text-align:left">Simmons: Okay, are they off?

<p style="text-align:left">Lopez: ''Yeah, they’re off. That’s why I can answer you.''

<p style="text-align:left">Simmons: Okay, good! (to Donut, almost murmuring) If there’s no room, we’ll just leave Lopez. He’s pretty much expendable, and we won’t be able to get any info outta him anyway.

<p style="text-align:left">Donut: I feel bad about it, though. He’s been so loyal…

<p style="text-align:left">Simmons: So what? He’s a robot. He has to be loyal! Dogs are loyal to but that doesn’t mean you can’t eat them when you’re stranded in an arctic outpost and Command can’t get rations through because of a seasonal blizzard.

<p style="text-align:left">Donut: That seems like a very specific example…

<p style="text-align:left">Simmons: I don’t want to talk about it. Hey Lopez, you can turn your ears back on now.

<p style="text-align:left">Lopez: Click.'' Oh, I can hear again. What a fucking miracle.''

<p style="text-align:left">''Scene shifts to inside the temple in Sandtrap. Epsilon-Church is drifting non-stop.''

<p style="text-align:left">Epsilon-Church: Whoa, halt, cease! Uhh… abort that move! Fuck!

<p style="text-align:left">Caboose: Church, wait!

<p style="text-align:left">Epsilon-Church: Wait? I can’t wait. I’m moving on my own! …which I realize doesn’t make sense when I say it out loud. (suddenly stops moving) Hey, look! I figured out how to stop!

<p style="text-align:left">Tucker: Wow, you figured out how to not move!? You’re a genius.

<p style="text-align:left">Epsilon-Church: Oh, check this out! I can go backwards too. (moves back a couple of inches) Zhoooop!

<p style="text-align:left">Tucker: Oh, well now you’re just bragging.

<p style="text-align:left">Epsilon-Church: Well, it’s important to me, asshole.

<p style="text-align:left">Caboose: I’m impressed. I can’t go backwards!

<p style="text-align:left">Epsilon-Church: Stop patronizing me.

<p style="text-align:left">Tucker: Well, he’s definitely starting to remember you.

<p style="text-align:left">Epsilon-Church: I already know Caboose. He’s the only guy that would talk to me while I was in storage.

<p style="text-align:left">Tucker: You remembering anything else?

<p style="text-align:left">Epsilon-Church: I don’t know. It’s… it’s like fuzzy, for some reason. Maybe there’s a file or some kind of database I can access from here. Gimme a second.

<p style="text-align:left">Tucker: Yeah, rooting around in your brain sounds like a great idea when you can barely figured out how to move on your own.

<p style="text-align:left">Caboose: Um. Hey, um, Tucker? Um, yeah, uh, Agent Washington told me that Church—I mean, uh, Epsilon, is uhm… a little messed up.

<p style="text-align:left">Tucker: Yeah. I can see that.

<p style="text-align:left">Caboose: Yeah, no, I mean he’s got some, uh, memories that, uh, he probably… shouldn’t access.

<p style="text-align:left">Tucker: What kind of memories?

<p style="text-align:left">Caboose: Uh, yeah, see, some people did some bad stuff to him, and uh, he’s kind of repressed, uh… a lot of, uh… stuff. Do you know what a repressed memory is?

<p style="text-align:left">Tucker: Yeah, Caboose. I’ve repressed almost every moment I spent with you. I’m actually repressing this as we speak.

<p style="text-align:left">Caboose: Well thank-you, that means a lot to me.

<p style="text-align:left">Epsilon-Church: [mumbling] Schematics… what the hell is “schematic…” let’s see… Man! There are a lot of functions in here. I can’t figure out what a tenth of these even do!

<p style="text-align:left">Caboose: Is “nap” a function? Cuz that’s my favorite—oh! Also, “eat ice cream.”

<p style="text-align:left">Tucker: That is so. Stupid.

<p style="text-align:left">Caboose: Ah, you’re right, technically that is a sub-routine of just plain “eat.”

<p style="text-align:left">''There is a crash outside the temple. Tucker looks up.''

<p style="text-align:left">Tucker: I wish those guys would just GIVE. UP.

<p style="text-align:left">Epsilon-Church: Okay, here we go. What does this do?

<p style="text-align:left">''There is a click. Epsilon-Church faces a wall and projects a video from his eye. In the video, there is a soldier walking with the floating epsilon unit.''

<p style="text-align:left">Tucker: What is this? Some kind of training film?

<p style="text-align:left">Epsilon-Church: Yeah, I guess.

<p style="text-align:left">Caboose: I love movies. Do you have “Cramer vs. Craver” in there?

<p style="text-align:left">Epsilon-Church: It looks like it’s teaching me how to interact with guys like—

<p style="text-align:left">''In the video, the epsilon unit glows red and shoots a red ray of light at a soldier running towards him. The man is blasted to the side.''

<p style="text-align:left">Tucker: Ohh, holy shit!

<p style="text-align:left">Epsilon-Church: Wow! I can do that!? I wanna do that, how do I do that!?

<p style="text-align:left">Tucker: Was that a laser? That was fucking awesome!

<p style="text-align:left">Epsilon-Church: I gotta figure out how to do that!

<p style="text-align:left">Tucker: No! I told you guys not to touch anything, now you’ve got some floating crap! Who knows what that thing can do? Don’t just go turning stuff on.

<p style="text-align:left">Epsilon-Church: (making grunting noises) What’s that? I’ma try like—(more grunting noises)

<p style="text-align:left">Tucker: Whoa, whoa! And definitely don’t turn it on while you’re looking at me! That eye creeps me out anyway.

<p style="text-align:left">Epsilon-Church: Well, maybe if I could just access my long-term memory so I can figure out how these functions work.

<p style="text-align:left">Caboose: Uh, oh, yeah, I don’t know, see, I uh, I think that, maybe, sounds like a bad idea? And I don’t know if I would go—

<p style="text-align:left">Epsilon-Church: Uh-oh.

<p style="text-align:left">Caboose: What? What happened?

<p style="text-align:left">Epsilon-Church: Crap. Instead of turning on my long-term memory, I think I just shut off my short-term memory.

<p style="text-align:left">Caboose: Oh… Is that bad?

<p style="text-align:left">Epsilon-Church: Huh? Is what bad?

<p style="text-align:left">Caboose: Your memory thingy getting shut off.

<p style="text-align:left">Epsilon-Church: Who shut off my memory?

<p style="text-align:left">Caboose: You did.

<p style="text-align:left">Epsilon-Church: I did what?

<p style="text-align:left">Caboose: Shut off your memory?

<p style="text-align:left">Epsilon-Church: Why do you want me to shut off my memory?

<p style="text-align:left">Caboose: No, it’s already shut off.

<p style="text-align:left">Epsilon-Church: What is?

<p style="text-align:left">Caboose: Your memory.

<p style="text-align:left">Epsilon-Church: Yeah, what about it?

<p style="text-align:left">Tucker: Wow. Well, this is a drastic improvement. Hey, you!

<p style="text-align:left">Epsilon-Church: Me?

<p style="text-align:left">Tucker: Yes! You! Don’t touch anything else or try to activate any computer stuff.

<p style="text-align:left">Epsilon-Church: (pauses; turns to Caboose) Are you gonna answer him?

<p style="text-align:left">''An explosion occurs outside the temple. The temple rumbles.''

<p style="text-align:left">Caboose: Did you hear that!?

<p style="text-align:left">Tucker: Aw, crap!

<p style="text-align:left">Epsilon-Church: Oh my God, what are we yelling about!?

<p style="text-align:left">Tucker: I think they busted into the temple!

<p style="text-align:left">Epsilon-Church: Oh fuck, that sounds bad, where’s the temple?

<p style="text-align:left">Tucker: Jesus Christ, don’t let him talk to me anymore!

<p style="text-align:left">Epsilon-Church, Caboose: Okay, don’t talk to him.

<p style="text-align:left">Tucker: I can’t fucking believe I have two of them now. (runs off)

Video
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