A Slightly Crueler Cruller

A Slightly Crueler Cruller is the sixteenth episode of The Blood Gulch Chronicles.

Synopsis
A healed Donut returns from Red Command with new pink armor, which he insists is "lightish red". Sarge pokes fun at Donut by addressing him with feminine titles like "Madam", "Strawberry shortcake", "Barbie", and "Princess Peach". Sarge then reveals that Lopez is actually a robot, and finally gets around to installing his voice card, but neglects to ground himself; static electricity damage to the card results in Lopez's inability to speak anything other than Spanish, which none of the Reds understand.

Transcript
Donut at the red base, in pink armor

Donut: Dude, this is sweet! Command was so happy that I got the blue flag, they gave me my own color armor!

Grif and Simmons look at each other

Grif: Uh... hey Donut?

Donut: What?

Simmons: Um, about your armor...

Donut: What about it?

Simmons: How do I put this... Your armor is, um... It's a little, um... Grif, uh, you wanna help me out here?

Grif: It's pink. Your armor is fricking pink!

Simmons: Yeah, that's it. Pink.

Donut: Pink, my armor's not pink.

Grif: Pink.

Simmons: Yeah, definitely pink.

Donut: You guys are colorblind. Why would they give me pink armor?

Grif: Hey, don't ask, don't tell.

Simmons: (over Grif's laughter) Heh, that's not funny.

Grif: (laughs a little more) It's a little funny.

Donut: Look at it, it's not pink. It's like uh... a lightish red.

Grif: Guess what: they already have a color for lightish red. You know what it's called? Pink.

Donut: I hate you guys.

Sarge: (running up the ramp with Lopez in tow) Well hello, dirtbags. ...and a fine hello to you, madam.

Donut: It's light red.

Sarge: Don't get your panties in a wad there, Barbie. Do you have a package for me?

Donut: Yessir.

Sarge: Excellent.

Donut: (holding up a mechanical unit) They said this speech unit should work with Lopez.

Grif: Speech unit?

Donut: (handing the unit over to Sarge) Here you go.

Sarge: Affirmative. Command was fresh out of speech modules when I first started building Lopez, but once I get this baby installed, I'll finally have someone intelligent to talk to. ...No offense, Simmons.

Simmons: Oh, don't worry, I know who you meant sir.

Grif: Wait a second, Lopez is a robot?

Simmons: Of course he is. You didn't notice that he never talks?

Grif: I just thought he was a really quiet guy.

Sarge: And the fact that he sleeps standing up and drinks motor oil didn't get your attention.

Grif: Well I, I did think the motor oil thing was a bit odd... Uh, I just thought he was trying to impress me.

Simmons: Hey, sir. You really should ground yourself before handling that card.

Sarge: How come?

Simmons: Because static could damage the card.

Sarge: Come on. That's an urban legend they use to sell those stupid bracelets. And I suppose pop rocks and soda's gonna make my stomach blow up! (a visible electric surge as he inserts the card in Lopez') Yow!

Simmons: Sir. I won't say I told you so, sir.

Sarge: Good. I'd hate to make Strawberry Shortcake here my new favorite Private.

Donut: It's not pink, it's lightish red!

''Cut to Caboose and Tucker outside the blue base. ''

Tucker's armor is clean

Caboose: (exhales) Ah, man, uh, you know, this stuff does not come off easy?

Tucker: Yeah, this was a lot easier when we were cleaning just my armor.

Caboose: Yeah, I know that, that's I think because you know uh, you didn't do anything.

Tucker: I'm sorry, what? It's kind of hard to hear you over the sound of your constant team-killing.

Caboose: Ah, ah, aaahhhh ha ha ha ha ah yeah, ah yeah aha, ahhhhhhhhhhhhh... Don't make me mad.

Back to the red base

Donut: So, what happened to me anyway? I recall something about a spider on my head?

Grif: Right. That was a grenade.

Donut: And the last thing I remember, is a loud bang, and then Simmons fainting...

Grif: Ha! Told you so!

Simmons: I did not faint.

Sarge: Done and done. Lopez. Activate speech unit!

Lopez: Buenos días. Y la gracias da por activar mi función del discurso. Soy el número de modelo cero uno cero uno uno tres cuatro ocho ocho dos tres.

Donut: (over the last five numbers) Am I the only one not understanding any of this?

Lopez: Me llamo es Lopez.

Grif: Lopez, he just said Lopez! I understood that. I can speak Spanish!

Sarge: Lopez. Speak, English.

Lopez: Mi procesador Inglés tiene malfunctioned. Sé habla solamente español.

Simmons: Huh, I think you shorted out his speech unit with that static, sir.

Sarge: Maybe Princess Peach here picked up the wrong model.

Donut: Seriously dude. For the last time. Not pink.

Sarge: Lopez. I order you to speak a language we understand.

Lopez: Negativo.

Sarge: Well this is just dandy. Lopez. How, do, we, fix, your, speech, u-nit?

Grif: Why are you talking so slow? He understands us just fine. Maybe you should try listening slower.

Sarge: Lopez, would you like to shoot Grif?

Lopez: (raising his gun) Sí señor. Gracias.

Grif: No, stop! Uh, alto, alto!

Simmons: Alto means tall, you dumbass.

Grif: Then why do they put it on stop signs?

Trivia

 * This is the first time Donut appears in his pink armor.
 * Lopez is revealed to be a robot in this episode.
 * Lopez speaks for the first time in this episode.