Dick Simmons

"Suck it, Blue!"

- Simmons referring to the Blue Team

Private First Class Richard "Dick" Simmons is the level-headed "straight" man of the Red Team. He is a compulsive sycophant towards Sarge, despite the latter's psychopathic and frequently delusional leadership; in Episode 40, Simmons states that he relies on Sarge "for love and support". As a result, Grif frequently calls Simmons a "kiss-ass". Simmons and Grif have a love-hate relationship, and spend much of their time bickering and chatting with each other, with Simmons reacting to the various outrageous statements that Grif makes. In Episode 38, Tucker hears them bickering on his radio and concludes that Simmons and Grif are in love, wondering why they cannot see it. During season 4 Simmons is shown to be very self-conscious; in Episode 70, he runs in tears back to the Blue Base when Church claims that Grif is intelligent and that Simmons is self-important. In Episode 54, he claims that he can mentally multiply any two large numbers, and gives an incorrect answer when tested, but maintains an air of confidence in doing so. He has also not used the bathroom for three years, claiming that he only uses the bathroom at home, because he is shy. According to him, 'It's going to be an eventful homecoming'. In addition, he has a developed a phobia of snakes, validated in Episode 89.

Blood Gulch
Simmons appears in the first episode discussing with Grif about their reasons in Blood Gulch, and then called down to name the new jeep, which they call the Warthog. When Donut arrives, both Simmons and Grif send him off on a fool's errand to get elbow grease and headlight fluid. Later, he and Grif come to save Donut with the Warthog, and pin Church and Tucker behind a rock. They then leave the jeep to find another way to get them, but are attacked by Caboose and Shiela and are forced to retreat back to their base. When Shiela attacks Red Base, the Reds are saved by Sarge's air strike. During Tex's first attack on Red Base, he is knocked out, but he later wakes up, reports Donut's serious injury, and guards Tex who is then a prisoner. During Church's rescue, he is knocked out by a possessed Sarge. When Donut returns, healed, pink-clad, and bearing Lopez's new voice chip, he warns Sarge to be careful when installing it, only to be ignored, and ending with Lopez speaking Spanish. As Tex launches her second attack on the Reds with Sheila, he and Sarge go to fight them off with the Warthog, only to be defeated moments later.

Cyborg Body
In season 2, Simmons and the red's attack the blues and then take Doc as their hostage. Later after the problems of working with Doc and trying to return him the the blues, Simmons is the first one to speculate that Lopez has been reprogramed to help the blue team after seeing a blue repair the tank. This forces the Sarge to decide that one of the red's should turn into a cyborg to even the odds...but must be someone who is so loyal that they would never betray their team and so they will have someone with better capability to repair things, making the red's pick Simmons.

Simmons' new robotic body was created by Sarge, using some spare parts including a fax machine, as a result all faxes come through Simmons' ass. His robotic body also leads him to sometimes shoot himself in the foot and his body is apparently based on a Freon-cooling system.For a while, Sarge calls him "Simmons 2.0", but, in season 4, Sarge reverts to calling him just "Simmons" again.

After the operation, Simmons remaining organs — except for his spleen, are transplated to Grif in order to save his life after he is run over by Sheila but it is unknown why, since Sarge claims to hate Grif (though most likely to have a legitimate reason to make Simmons a cyborg). Later the red's make a trade of two robots to save Donut, but are confussed when seeing Lopez and Shelia on their own team and then being attacked by O'Mally. The Red's and Blue's are forced to work togeather to fight O'Mally and find Doc, so they follow O'Mally into the teleporter, but with the teleporter malfunctioning, each character is seperated, sending Simmons (alone) into the Teleporter Nexus.

In season 3, Simmons attempts to reunite the teams, finding Sarge and Caboose first. After rescuing them, Simmons shows hatred toward Caboose after taking the attention of Sarge, but things get worse when Caboose activates the bomb inside Church. After reuniting all the teammates, Simmons at the time seems to lead everyone (except Tex) against O'Mally, and comes up with a plan to stop him. He opens a portal to Battle Creek and has the Grunts attack O'Mally; but the rest of the team are too late to destroy the bomb inside Church. After the bomb goes off, everyone (except Church) is sent into the future. Later in the series Simmons is just talking to the reds and the remaining blues in a freindly conversation, but after obtaining radio contact from Tex, the team comes to attack and defeat O'Mally. Later after the reds get a message from a "surviving red team", they go to the location to help them. In the season 3 finale, The Red Team realize that they have gone back to Blood Gulch, in which Simmons just says "Well this sucks.".

Demotion
In season 4, Simmons runs afoul of Sarge's fickle nature: When he insists that Sheila is still roaming the gulch, Sarge declares him insane and demotes him. Having lost his purpose in life, Simmons suffers a breakdown, exiles himself from the Red Team, paints his armour mostly blue, and, assisted by Sheila, begins to wage a one-man war against his former team-mates.

Before joining the Blue Team, Shelia tries to remember who the Blues were fighting and discovering his life is in danger tries to make a (terrible) lie. While on the Blue Team Simmons starts noticing strange things have changed since they arrive, such as the bases having upgrades and more room when no one has been their since they left, making him question what has happened.

Simmons actually succeeds in "capturing" Grif, forcing Sarge and Donut to launch a rescue operation. But the two are foiled by Church, who suddenly returns to Blood Gulch. Although Simmons attempts to hide his true identity from Church, the latter privately reveals to Sheila that he has recognized Simmons all along. After apparently hearing Church's conversation with Vic Jr., Simmons returns to the Red Base to relay information. With the rest of the Reds reluctant to accept him back, Simmons changes into maroon armour. Nevertheless, after a quick trial, Sarge imposes a hefty fine for treason and insubordination, to be split between himself and Grif. Going forward, Sarge frequently called Simmons a traitor until Season 5, when Simmons went back to his normal role.

Sarge seems to like Simmons even more, even saying that Simmons burying Sarge alive was a multi-layered tactic and that his treasonous insurrections hold the unit together.

After rejoining the red team, they find Lopez and have a message from command. When this message reveals no real information, Simmons and the reds are suddenly attacked by Church and Shelia, which Church explains every thing bad happening at their base, with only the Reds wondering about how Tucker is pregnant. The Blues retreat after Caboose reports on what just happened. Donut decides to see the baby after hearing that it was born, but is then crushed by a ship.

At the start of season 5, Simmons is concern of trying to get the ship off of Donut, pointing out the best ways to do so, but Sarge ignores these ideas. When it is revealed that it is Grif's sister was in the ship, she states that she is their to replace their dead commander (really the blue), so he convinces Sarge that he is dead to become the new red leader. Yet, when it is revealed that Sister is on the blues team, Simmons realizes that now he and Grif need to go rescue their missing team mates from underground. Once they do however Simmons and Grif and knocked out, and need to go find Grif. While underground, the Reds try to make contact with Vic Jr., but Simmons starts hearing an echo in a section of the caves and discovers that Vic Jr. was there, communicating with Sarge, and then runs away, making Simmons believe that he has been lying. Once after getting back to the surface the Reds take the Blue Base but then comes to save the Blues from the Wyomings. In the final episode, Simmons was possessed by O'Malley and when threatening to kill Sarge reveals that he'll take over the universe with an iron fist when he says, "Then everyone will kiss MY ass!". But after the A.I. leaves Simmons mind, Simmons becomes normal again and figures out how to blow up the ship (if Church's plan fails) by using Andy. After the battle and witnessing the explosion, Simmons is last seen with Grif spying on the Blues, happy that things are back to normal, but then they go back to base to see the new motorcycles, which after Grif calls shotgun yells out the last line of the show "Fuck!".

Mission Against The Meta
After the events of The Blood Gulch Chronicles, Simmons, along with Grif, is transferred to a different base, with Grif being promoted to staff sergeant. Grif brings all of his typical laziness and incompetence to the role and the two soon face a firing squad for selling their ammo to the Blue Team (precisely what Simmons did to deserve this is unknown, though he might have taken part in selling their ammo to the Blues with Grif.). Sarge, on a mission to stop Washington, rescues them, and the three attack Wash and the Blues. An attack by the Meta forces them to team up, and Simmons and the other Reds assist Wash and Church in infiltrating the Freelancer Base. Here his insecure side surfaces again after Sarge praises Caboose for being willing to sacrifice himself for Church. A bitter Simmons threatens to kill the hapless Blue on several occasions after this. When Wash and Church are presumably killed in the base's explosion, the Reds and Caboose escape, and are awarded a base at Valhalla as a result.

Valhalla
In the series of Recreation, Simmons slowly realizes that Sarge doesn't give him the respect that he thought he once had and becomes more unwilling to follow Sarge's orders causing the roles of Simmons and Grif to switch, surprising the entire Red Team. Later, when Sarge and Grif leave to help Caboose in finding Tucker, he seems to take charge of the remaining Red's and tries to blow up the Blue Base, but is slow down when he insults (by accident) Lopez by being a robot and later a Mexican when trying to apologies. He is again slowed down when he learns from Donut that Caboose still has the Epsilon AI. When he tries to finish his goal of blowing up the Blue Base, he finds Donut in the Blue Base meeting the Meta, then runs for his life to the Red Base. After a continuous battle with the Meta, the red team try to get to safety as Simmons, Donut, and Lopez make a suicide run to find the Meta's vehicle. When he finds the vehicle (by running into it as it is cloaked), they realize that it no longer functions. As a last attempt of saving the Red Team, Simmons tries to use the vehicles machine gun turret to destroy the Meta, unfortunately it can't move due to the Warthog not functioning. Washington then appears seemingly to save the Red's, but reveals that he is working with the Meta and demands to have the Epsilon unit. The Red's still confuse don't give an answer, making Washington shoot Lopez in the head and then Donut in the stomach, leaving Simmons alive which he calls to Donut hoping he is alive.

Prisoner


In Revelation, Simmons is forced to call for a medical officer (Doc) and reveals that Donut is dead. Before Washington and the Meta appear, he says he is sorry of putting Doc in the middle of the problem, wishing it wasn't him who was sent. When Doc wakes up Simmons explains most of what has happened and forced to trick Sarge to comeback to Vahalla, but (accidentally) explains what has happened in a secret message. When the remaining Reds return, Simmons comes up with the idea of saving both him and Doc by overloading Docs' medical equipment to release a blast that could "reset" the Meta's systems, but when they get a chance to do it both are too scared, then a large explosion is heard (were Washington was fighting the Reds), making the Meta decide to kill them. However, Doc shoots the Meta with the blast causing the Meta to reset it's time control setting affecting itself just as Simmons predicted. Doc seems happy of himself, however Simmons states that the Meta is still a threat since he's moving at the same strengh and speed, just that time is disorted at the moment; Doc refuses this fact and when the Meta touches Doc, he is thrown into a wall. Simmons decides to help him before leaving due to the fact that the Meta was nearly done "recharging" and jumps onto the Warthog, but unsuccessful get's onto the gun turrent and is dragged by the Warthog, before being destroyed by the Meta.

Sandtrap
The Reds and Epsilon return, as Simmons is last seen trying to fix Epsilon's systems before it is kicked away by Grif. Then, Grif tells him to be be cool which he does a gangster impression. Once the Blues show up to see that they have Epsilon, they run away so they don't get stuck on the pillar. They find Epsilon in the minefield but nobody tells Simmons that it is a minefield so he goes in to it find out it is a minefield. While Epsilon is talking to Caboose, Simmons saids that Blue Team has more stuff going on, all that ever happens in Red Team is food and guns. Sarge and Grif then confirm this as Grif says he hungry, and Sarge replies shut up or I will shoot you.

Offsite Storage Facility
Simmons is next seen outside the Freelancer Offsite Storage Facility with Sarge and Grif. He realizes that by posing as Agents of Project Freelancer F.I.L.S.S. would give them acess to the facility. He tells Sarge and Grif to create Freelancer names and making a joke gives makes himself Agent Denial only to be berated by Grif. The Reds attempt to get acess but Grif calls himself Agent Pluto ruining the attempt. Sarge shoots the F.I.L.S.S. tree interface giving them acess. They hear banging and go in front of a door that Caboose appears to be gaurding. While they try and find out whats behind the door from Caboose the door begins to get large dents in it from something on the other side. Caboose walks away and Sarge decideds to stage an ambush but Simmons questions if they can ambush something trying to beat its way through metal plating to get to you. Tex sends the door flying and then attacks the Reds. Simmons runs with Sarge and Grif, however when he leans against a wall Tex punches through it and grabs his helmet eventually kicking the wall into him and then a metal box. While Tex continues to fight Sarge and Grif Simmons goes to Caboose and asks for help. Caboose drops Rocket Launchers on Simmons who exclaims "Wow that actually worked perfectly. Thanks!" Simmons meets Tucker on his way back to the fight and devises a plan with him. Simmons climbs atop another metal box while Tucker distracts Tex however Tucker gives away his position. When Simmons fires a rocket at Tex she throws a teleporter at it which sends the rocket flying to him and then him flying to her. Caboose tries to help by dropping a crate on Tex, and Tucker, however Tex is able to pick it up and throw it at the Reds and Tucker. Tucker cuts the box in half while Simmons, along with Grif, pounds on a giant metal door in order to get out. However half of the metal box does land on Simmons. Simmons then watches while Tucker and Tex fight. When Tex hits Tucker through a teleporter leading him to the Reds Simmons tries to convince Grif and Sarge that they are hitting Tucker not Tex. Later Simmons tries to get a lock on Tex with the Rocket, however when he does she leads the rocket to explosives behind the four sending Simmons, along with the others, flying. He lands on the ground before Epsilon-Church fights Tex. Tex begins to just beat up Church while the Reds watch. Simmons along with everyone else, but Caboose, is sent into Armor Lock where he and the other Reds argue. Simmons believes them to be in purgatory and when hearing Church believes him to be the voice of God. Simmons along with Grif and Sarge is sent out of armor lock when they agree not to hurt Tex. He is later seen at the vote to decide whether or not to release Tex from Armor Lock with him voting not to. However Epsilon does so anyway. When Tex goes to find data files to find out who she is Sarge sends Simmons with her so he can readd the Blues to the database. Simmons has Grif come along in order to hold papers saying that if he didn't he would make him a woman in the records. When Epsilon comes up to check on Tex and Simmons, Simmons says that as Tex isn't constantly pounding him in the face everything is going good. He then leaves to tell the rest of Red Team that Agent Washington used to wet the bed. Later while taking inventory Grif comes to see what he is doing, as he was ordered to by Sarge, and Simmons reveals he found some Armor Enhancements .He decides to hook one up on Grif and tries to give him the invisibility unit. However he ends up giving him a Speed Unit and Grif runs around the whole main Facility eventually coming back where he started crashing into a wall with Simmons. He later goes back to the files and discovers that the war truly is fake upsetting Sarge. He comes out to check on Sarge who constructs a junk base. Simmons tries to cheer him up however he can't. When Caboose comes out to tell the others that Church and Tex are in danger Sarge decides to go with him surprising Simmons. When asked if they will live he says that its unlikely and that the Armor Enhancements wouldn't work right without the A.I. During Sarge's speech he reveals that he believes Simmons would be given his own squad a thousand times over. After his speech Simmons tells everyone he knows how to get to them revealing a Pelican. He stares at Grif with everyone else when Grif asks "Who the heck is going to drive that?"

Freelancer Safe House
He later comes after the defeat of Agent Tex saving Washington from The Meta along with Sarge, Grif, Tucker, and Caboose. He is sent along with the rest of Red Team to find power supplies to sustain the memory unit while Wash tries to get Tex out. However The Meta returns and continues to fight Wash. When Simmons hears it he picks up a Rocket Launcher and heads out to join the fight. He fires several rocketes at the Meta before the Launcer is cut in half by the Meta's Brute Shot. He later helps Grif push the Warthog over the cliff and expresses concern when The Meta pulls Grif over with him. He wants to look over the edge however Sarge tells him not to saying it would be a big waste of time. He is happily surprised when Grif is revealed to be hanging on the Brute Shot over the edge. After being talked to by the Soldier he and the rest of Red Team begin to talk about Blue Team's new member. They then steal a Hornet to go back home.

Recurring Gags
Recently though, Simmons has had the misfortune of not calling shotgun in time, being constantly beaten by Grif. He nearly broke this streak in Reconstruction Chapter 9, however Grif promptly pulled rank on him and took the passenger seat for himself.
 * During The Blood Gulch Chronicles, Simmons has called shotgun before Grif almost every time.
 * During The Blood Gulch Chronicles, every time Simmons is hit or knocked unconscious, he shouts where he is hurt, e.g. "Ow, the back of my head!", "The front of my face!", or "The back of my lower legs!" He even goes as far as saying "Ooh, the back of your head!" when Church knocks out Sarge before he executes Simmons for treason.
 * Also, a running gag of Simmons' dubious ethnicity begins when Grif, unable to understand Lopez' Spanish, believes Simmons can translate, due to being "of a Latino persuasion." Simmons, however, insists that he is Dutch-Irish. This is referenced a few more times before being dropped, until it is resurrected in Season 4, where Donut lists the language menu options when called by Simmons, and says "For unconfirmed Dutch-Irish, press one too, as in, also." The joke finally returns in episode 99, when the Reds (except Donut, for some reason) fight the Wyoming copies in the Warthog. As Simmons shoots at them with the chain-gun, he says "Suck it, cracker!". Wondering why he would use such a slur, Grif asks "Cracker? I thought you said you were Dutch-Irish!", to which Simmons only responds "Fuck that shit, shut up and drive bitch!", and later calls the Wyoming clones "honky motherfuckers!"
 * During Recreation, Simmons always ends up destroying a Mongoose. First he destroyed one of the Mongooses Lopez build by simply crashing it. Second when he was aiming at the Meta with a rocket launcher, he hits the new Mongoose that Lopez had just built.
 * During The Blood Gulch Chronicles someone will say something odd then Simmons will ask if they want to talk about it. It was dropped for a while before being briefly resurrected in Recreation but reversed, Simmons said something odd and Donut asked to talk about it.
 * He claims to have been trained to use the rocket launcher but both times he has used it has missed his target and hit something else (a mongoose and himself).
 * Occasionally he will make really bad jokes, and then explains the joke while chuckling, such as "Operation Blue With Envy" and "State of Denial".
 * With his talent with computers, he once deleted the entire database's files on the Blue Team (on Sarge's orders), which has become a major plot device with many of the story's problems and events revolving around Command's inability to access Blue Team files.

Relationship with Other Characters
Red Team-Simmons is the most logical of the red team and the "friend" to all the reds (except Lopez). Simmons is Sarge's right hand man, being second in command, and most of the time agrees with him. Simmons relies on Sarge for love and support. In Recreation, Simmons makes a virtual Sarge asking him if it's okay if they could be a family and wishes that Sarge gave him more than compliments. Yet, when Sister said that their commanding officer was dead (really the blue's) and came to replace him, Simmons was willing to convince Sarge he was dead and quickly took command of the red team.

Grif and Simmons have a love-hate relationship, as they always bicker against one another and seem to never really get along, yet they spend much of their time together talking about the war and sometimes dumb topics. In Season 2, after they both go through their surgeries, Simmons puts Grif on a better diet fearing that he would kill his organs he donated to Grif or Grif himself. In season 4, after Simmons changes sides, Grif came to get him back for the reds, stating it isn't the same without him, and that he hasn't changed what he thinks of him, either being an insult or a compliment, which Simmons answers "Ah...good old Grif.". Tucker, after briefly listening to the two on the radio, becomes convinced they are in love and questions why they don't see it.

Simmons' relationship with Donut was quite strange, as they got along quite well as a team, Simmons continually got annoyed whenever Donut made any remark on what was going on (maybe due to the fact they sounded sexual) and hated Donut on taking his job in season 4. Still in season 5, after Donut was crushed by the space ship Simmons stated he would miss him and that Donut was like the "sister" he never had. Also in Chapter 19 of Recreation, after Washington shot Donut, Simmons was shocked by what happened and attempted to save him.

As for Lopez, Simmons and him didn't get along well together at any point. Lopez continually insulted Simmons and Simmons accidentally insults Lopez for being a robot and a Mexican. Still, they have similar interests, and both having robotic features makes it easier for them to work together.

Blue Team- Simmons doesn't really have a relationship with any of the blues as most of the time he interacts with them by telling them, "Suck it, Blue!". Yet in season 4, after being called insane by Sarge and having Donut taking his job, Simmons quickly paints his armor blue and willingly joins the blue team of Shelia, which at the time worked well together, and Church, who insults Simmons and forces him to do much work, knowing it was him. In Reconstruction, Simmons works with Church in order to stop the Meta, but nothing else.

He has barely any relationship with Tucker, only in the season 2 finale of being the only one wanting to know what he was yelling about and in season 3 they spoke little to each other after being sent into the future. The same is for Tex, who only have a relationship to one another by being continually attacked by her.

The only real relationship of a blue which Simmons has is with Caboose. Simmons has a "hatred" for Caboose as he continuously takes the attention and liking of Sarge, which Simmons greatly hates; thus Simmons threatens the innocent blue every time he sees Sarge and Caboose together. This relationship started in Episode 41, after Sarge calls Caboose a "little rascal." This relationship returns in Reconstruction and Recreation after Simmons meets with Caboose again.

Others- Simmons has few relationships with other/neutral characters. Simmons only has a relationship with O'Malley by going against him in season 3 when he was possessing Frank Dufrene (Doc) and in season 5 being possessed by him. He has no relationship with Wyoming, only meeting him once when he and the reds were killing the Wyomings in season 5.

Simmons relationship with the Meta is just being enemies; fighting the Meta in Reconstruction and Recreation which in this season the Meta seems to really hate him for no reason. As of Washington relationship with him was allies, but is now hatred enemies. Simmons seemingly wants to help Washington in Reconstruction and is also happy to see him in Recreation; yet when Washington reveals that he is working with the Meta and shoots Simmons team, Simmons seems to yell hatred toward him. In Revelation, It is proven that they are enemies.

Simmons relationship with Doc seems to be being somewhat allies. The first time the two meet, they seem to not mind one another, but later when being possessed by O'Mally, Simmons shows to hate him. Still afterwards when Doc is no longer possessed, Simmons shows a friendly side; this is shown in Revelation, however he was quick to abandon him to the Meta so he could escape.

Kills
Simmons has successfully killed many of the Wyomings using the warthogs machine gun turret in episode 99, season 5 and the same for two soldiers in Vahalla, of Reconstruction, he also helped Sarge and Grif kill The Meta.

Talents
Simmons has some skills as a soldier, defeating some of the Wyoming clones with some degree of ease using the Warthog's turret. He also claims to be an expert at handling rocket launchers, as shown in Recreation and Revelation. He has some useful delaying skills as shown in Reconstruction when he tries to stall their execution, delaying them for about a minute until the Reds there decided it would be too much trouble.

Sarge considers Simmons the Red Team's unoffical science officer, something Simmons approves of. He has keen computer skills, as he was able to control the teleporters in reuniting with everyone, and was able to hack into Project Freelancers main computers. Simmons also seems to have knowledge of physics, sometimes quoting Einstein's Theory of Relativity and making scientific observations of situations that others, such as Grif and Sister, find incomprehensible. In Recreation he also showed great running and avoiding skills when escaping the Meta after being shot at as well as a motorcycle being thrown at him.

Trivia

 * Dick is short for Richard, making Simmons' name Richard Simmons. This is also the name of a famous exercise video actor.
 * According to Episode 17, Simmons is Dutch-Irish.
 * Sheila and Church call Simmons "tomato can," which he quickly takes offense to.
 * As shown in "Deja View PSA" where the Reds and Blues are temporarily shown in Halo Reach's Blood Gulch map, Simmons will gain the ability to project holograms of himself through his Armor Ability. Though it is shown, and said that the holograms will become "self aware" if not deactivated within a few minutes (though it is shown to happen in a few seconds in the show).
 * Simmons is shown on the Season 4 DVD box art in his blue armor.
 * Simmons spoke both the first and last lines of The Blood Gulch Chronicles, his first line ("Hey?") asking Grif "Why they were here?" and his last line ("Fuck!") was exclaimed after Grif called shotgun on the reds' new vehicle at the end of episode 100.
 * Simmons might have psychological problems, due to the fact he punches mirrors when he cries, wanting Sarge to call him son, and threatening anyone he'll kill them if they some how annoy him. He also suffers from ophidophobia, the fear of snakes.
 * Simmons is one of the few smart characters of the Blood Gulch soldiers (examples: explaining Einstein Theories of Relativity, being the most logical of the Reds, able to hack into the Freelancers files, exc.), the others being Lopez, Church, Tex, and the Freelancers.
 * Like everyone else in the series, Simmons is right handed in video game format. However, in Chapter 10 of Revelation while in CGI animation, he appears to be left handed.
 * Simmons doesn't use anyone's toilet except his own, even though he's been in "the war" for nearly 3-4 years. In Simmons' own words "It's going to be a very eventful homecoming."