Red vs. Blue: Relocated Part Four

Part Four of Red vs. Blue: Relocated

Synopsis
Sarge and Lopez get the new weapon on the Warthog working and test it on holographic simulations of Grif. Donut mysteriously arrives and gives Grif a cryptic warning involving Tucker. Meanwhile, Caboose seems to have gathered the corpses/armor of his former teammates at Vahalla's Blue Base for unknown reasons.

Characters

 * List of characters in Red vs. Blue

Red Team

 * Simmons
 * Sarge
 * Grif
 * Lopez
 * Donut

Blue Team

 * Caboose
 * Tucker (mentioned only)

Transcript
Sarge drives up in jeep, gets out

Sarge: Now this is more like it! Great job on the simulator, Lopez; Good work on the power, Simmons.

Simmons: Thank you, sir!

Grif: Simmons?! I'm the one that was almost killed just so you could get the electricity back on.

Sarge: Yep, but it was worth it.

Grif: You say that every time I'm almost killed.

Flashback to Halo: CE Sarge, Simmons runs up

Simmons: Sarge! Grif was spying on the blues and they captured him!

Sarge: What'd he find out? Are they planning something?

Simmons: No, they were standing around talking, like always. But now they're gonna kill him!

Sarge: Well, it was worth it.

Flash to Halo 2 Sarge and Simmons talking

Sarge: The base looks so clean Simmons! Excellent work.

Simmons: Yeah, too bad Grif was almost killed by his allergic reaction to the cleaning supplies.

Pan to Grif laying pool of blood

Sarge: It was worth it!

Flash to Sarge and Simmons standing, with Grif on floor between them and on fire

Sarge: Worth it.

Flash to present

Sarge: Only because it's always true. There's very few task that wouldn't balance out by you making the ultimate sacrifice.

Simmons: At least this time we got something out of it. We got power, and a new weapon!

Sarge: Let's test this bad boy out.

Sarge mounts turret of Warthog, points at Grif

Grif: Whoa, wait a second. Does this hologram jeep shoot hologram slugs, or real slugs?

Sarge: As long as we are in this room, everything will seem real to us. It's all simulated, but your mind makes it real.

Simmons: Ooh, like the Matrix!

Lopez: Si, sin toda la filosofía del esde. Caption: Right, but without all the Eastern philosophy stuff that no one understands

Grif: Alright, fuck this. I'm going to stand over there.

Sarge: Guess what, dirtbag? I don't need you for target practice anymore. I've got my own holo-Grif programed into the system already.

Lopez makes a holo-Grif

Holo-Grif: Hello! I am literally the worst program ever made!

Simmons: Sounds like someone hasn't used Google Chrome...

Sarge: Locked and loaded, ready to fire at the bloated. Grif... I mean fake Grif... go stand over there.

Holo-Grif: Cool. Whatever.

Holo-Grif runs to center of room

Sarge: This is a magnetized propulsion system. It can fire massive slugs at an outrageous velocity! Check it out.

Sarge fires, killing holo-Grif and stalling out the Warthog's engine.

Holo-Grif: (flying as corpse) Blarg! I deserve it!

Another figure is seen, standing where holo-Grif was

Sarge: Heh heh. See? How awesome is that?

Simmons: Wow!

Sarge: And in 10 short seconds, it will be ready to fire again.

Simmons: That's incredible. Wait a minute.

Sarge: Lopez, spawn me another holo-Grif on the pronto.

Lopez: Si

Grif: Did you guys see that?

Sarge: Shut up real-Grif! We're doing important research over here! Hey Simmons, check this out: I'm gonna shoot the next one in the hoo-hoo.

Another Grif spawns

Holo-Grif: Oh, hey guys. What's goin-

Sarge fires

''Cut to Blue base. Caboose amid bits of equipment''

Caboose:(Creepily) Finally we're all here. Now we can be together... forever.

''Cut back to Red holo-room. A holo-Grif dies, adding to a pile of dead holo-Grifs''

Sarge: Alright. Lopez, another holo-Grif.

Lopez: Esta cosa hase outras blancos Caption: This thing makes other targets you know...

Sarge: Bah, let's stick with the fundamentals.

Stalled jeep restarts

Simmons: OK, Sarge. Do you mean to tell me this thing fires once every 10 seconds?

Sarge: Yep. It's state of the art.

Another holo-Grif spawns

Holo-Grif: Let's get this over with...

Simmons: But our last weapon fired 10,000 rounds per second.

Sarge: If my math is right, and I think it is, that seems like more than this one.

Simmons: Yes, it is.

Sarge: How much more would you say?

Simmons: Well, the chaingun was 10,000 rounds per second, and this would be 0.1 of a round per second. So yeah, it was.

''Sarge fires again, killing holo-Grif and stalling jeep once more. Grif sees figure''

Sarge: It does seem to be lacking in the rapid fire department.

Grif: I know I'm not crazy. I just saw something move.

Sarge: Oh well, a good craftsmen never blames his tools.

Simmons: But, we made the tool in this case. Can we blame the craftsman?

Sarge: No, Simmons. You and the gun are just going to to have to agree to disagree.

Five holo-Grifs spawn, in a line

Simmons: Let me take a look. Maybe I can increase the rate of fire. (mounts jeep and drives off)

Sarge: And maybe Lopez can find a way to spawn Grifs faster

Lopez: Hase outras blancos! Caption: It makes other things!

Grif: Guys, seriously. I know I saw something. (approaches line of holo-Grifs) Aha! See? This one is weird. It's all lightish-red instead of orange.

Sarge: (not looking) No Grif, I'm sure it isn't

Simmons: You're probably still hallucinating from the charge you took.

Grif: Yeah, I don't think so. Look!

Sarge: Grif, we are busy! You and Donut shut up and stop distracting us.

Grif: But I... Donut?!

Donut: Water...

Grif: Eeyah! Donut?!

Simmons: Donut?

Grif: Where the hell did you come from?

Donut: Water...

Grif: You came from the water?

Donut: Water! (collapses)

Grif: I didn't even know you would swim

Donut: Grif! He needs help! It's under... the sand... find him.

Grif: Oh boy. That sounds like something that's gonna keep us busy for a few months

Sarge and Simmons approach

Sarge: Holy mamma mia. Donut! Where's he been?

Simmons: Donut! Grif, what did he say?

Grif: Hm? Who, him? Oh, uh, he just said he wanted some water.

Simmons: That's it?

Grif: Yeah, uh, just the water thing, uh, oh! Also that he really missed everyone.

Sarge: Why don't I believe you?

Grif: Um, he also said that he liked the new jeep.

Fade to black

Sarge: Hot damn! I always knew that kid had style.