Me, Myself and You

Me, Myself and You is the thirteenth episode of the second season and the thirty-second of The Blood Gulch Chronicles.

Synopsis
In Caboose's mind, Church and Tex meet Caboose's mental image versions of Church and himself. However, they are both quite diffrent to their real life counterparts, which doesn't help Church and Tex's search. Caboose believes he has seen O'Mally, and suggests that speak to the Reds.

Outside in Blood Gulch, Sheila, Tucker, and Lopez continue the drive to Red Base. Tucker has no idea how to drive Sheila, and Lopez is to nervous to drive her. Donut continues to retrace his steps (in horrifying detail), and Grif sees Sheila approaching. Tucker, not knowing how to stop Sheila, asks her for help. She tells him to "Retard the controller" which Tucker assumes is an insult. As the episode ends, Sheila continually says "Retard".

Transcript
Church and Tex inside Caboose's head, with mental images of Caboose and Tucker

Caboose: I see, so you're from the outside. That's where the other is from as well.

Church: The other? Wait you mean O'Malley? Have you seen him?

Mental image of Church appears behind Caboose

Mental image of Church: Of course he's seen him you idiot! You think Mister Caboose would miss something like that, you skeezy douche bag fuck!

Church: Alright, hold on a second. Who the hell are you?

Mental image of Church: My name is Church, butt wiping ass munch!

Church: (whispering to Tex) This guy is kind of an asshole.

Tex: Yeah, we've met.

Mental image of Church: And I'm Caboose's best friend, so don't get any ideas about kissing up, you lip licking fuck suck!

Church: Okay, there was a lot of stuff in that sentence that I didn't like.

Tex: Just play along Church. We're gonna need these guys if we're gonna find O'Malley.

Tucker: I'm gonna go look for girls! (he leaves)

Church: Fine, whatever.

Caboose: If you want to find O'Malley, I suggest we talk to the reds first. He tried to recruit them against me early on.

Church: The reds? The reds are in here?

''Cut to the real world. Grif and Donut next to the sideways jeep''

Grif: Are you sure you left the part in there?

Donut: Hmm, think so. Wait, yes! No. Wait, wait wait wait. Mmmmmmmmm, I think so.

Grif: (sighs) Alright, lets retrace your steps. You said it was the Tuesday before Simmons and Sarge got blown up that you were left in the Warthog, right?

Donut: Right. I know it was Tuesday because that's the day I wash my underwear. And since I don't like letting my armor touch my bare skin, on account of I chafe real easily, I remember thinking "Where can I hang out with no pants on?"

Grif: Oh God!

Cut to Lopez as well as Tucker driving Sheila heading towards the red base

Tucker: Okay well, looks like we're close enough. Now if I could just find the brakes on this thing. Ah, must be this button.

Sheila: Do not touch that button.

Tucker: Oh, sorry. Hmm, maybe it's this one

Sheila: Do not touch me.

Tucker: You know, for a girl your size you're really sensitive.

Back to the reds

Grif: I cannot take anymore of this.

Donut: So after I clip my toenails, I was gonna apply the ointment as recommended. But I don't know, it just smells really funny. So I decided to taste it, just to make sure it was safe.

Grif: That's it! I'm committing suicide. (he runs off)

Donut: Hey! I didn't finish retracing my steps yet. You don't even know what I did about the boil on my thigh.

Grif: (stops and looks off into the distance) Oh crap!

''Pan to Lopez, Sheila and Tucker approaching'. Grif quickly takes cover behind the jeep''

Donut: Hey you're back! So where was I? Oh yeah, I lanced it. Disgusting! (makes creeped out noises)

Grif: Not now rookie! There's a giant tank out there that's about to steamroll right over us!

Donut: What?! (he hops up and down to see over the jeep and sees Sheila approaching) Oh God it's true! I'm totally freaking out! I'm freaking out! (he runs around in circles)

Cut to the blues approaching

Tucker: Oh my God. I can't believe Caboose is smart enough to drive this thing and I'm not! Sheila how the fuck do I slow you down?

Sheila: Retard the throttle.

Tucker: What throttle? This throttle?

Sheila: Retard the controller.

Tucker: You mean this thing? What're you talking about, I'm so confused!

Sheila: The controller, retard!

Tucker: Hey that's kinda insulting. (Sheila repeats the word "retard" over and over as they approach red base) Oh, come on. Now you're just being mean.

Sheila: ... retard.