Everything Old is New Again

Everything Old is New Again is the first episode of the second season, and the twentieth of The Blood Gulch Chronicles.

Synopsis
Three months after Tex's second attack on the Red Base, Medical Officer DuFresne ("Doc") arrives in Blood Gulch and contacts Blue Command for orders. He reports to the Blue Team to treat Tex, who has already died. Church explains this to Doc, noting how his and Tex's bodies are both buried in front of Blue Base. More helpfully, Caboose conveniently recaps the first season, explaining that Church is actually a ghost possessing Lopez's robot body, which has since been spray-painted cobalt. Caboose has also apparently begun to habitually utter death threats to Tucker in a deep, menacing voice. With nobody injured, Doc, on loan to both armies due to a lack of resources, prepares to visit the Red Team next, but the Reds suddenly attack.

Transcript
''Staticky radio noises. Camera fades in on a dim view of the planet''

Voice: Come in Blue Command, come in.

Camera fades out to black, then in on a panning view to the right over Blood Gulch

Voice: This is Medical Officer DuFresne. I have reached Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha, do you read?

Camera fades out to black, then in on a daylight view of the moon, slowly panning down

Vic: (the audio equivalent of pixilated) Yes dude, hello, can you read me, hello, check one, check two.

DuFresne: Say again, Blue Command. I do not read.

Vic: (still pixilated audio effect) Check two. Is this thing on? Hello, hello.

Camera continues to pan down, revealing DuFresne, in purple armor

DuFresne: Blue Command. Please boost your transmission to match communication protocol, Echo, Bravo, -

Vic: ("Trocadero - No one" song in background from here on out) Yo I hear you, calm down dude, what's going on? Hello, yo, can you hear me, hello.

DuFresne: Uh, roger that Command.

Vic: Sorry 'bout that, I was in the elevator, this thing doesn't work so well in there. What's going on dude?

DuFresne: Roger tha... uh... is this Blue Command?

Vic: Oh yeah, man, sure, totally! What's goin' on?

DuFresne: You're sure, the Blue Command base.

Vic: Hey dude. Take it easy. You called me, I didn't call you.

DuFresne: Naw, I know, it's just...

Vic: It's just what, dude?

DuFresne: Never mind. I'm just letting you know that I've reached Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha. I'm gonna make contact with the Blue Squad members.

Vic: Blood Gulch, huh? Alright, let me look here, let me see what it says... Blood Gulch, bleu bleaou bee ehl, bluoea here we go, Blood Gulch, okay. Says here, you wanna make contact with Private Tucker, ask him about their wounded, dude.

DuFresne: Roger that, any other orders?

Vic: Anything else, yeah okay, yeah, it says here whatever you do don't- oh. Okay never mind dude, I'm not supposed to read you that part, okay, just uh... you'll be okay, just uh be very careful. That's all.

DuFresne: Great.

Vic: Alright then. Well it's out goal here at Blue Base to provide excellent customer service, and I hope that I have done that today. Uh, if you have any further questions about this radio transmission, you can just um, you know call back, say "Dude, I've got some questions, what's goin' on." Over and out.

DuFresne: Okay... Private Tucker...

Cut to the blue guys on the blue base.

Tucker: Hey Church, we have a problem.

Church in Lopez, but cobalt again: I am not your mother, so don't come tattling to me every time one of you does something that the other one doesn't like.

Tucker: I'm telling you, he's crazy. He keeps threatening me, and talking in a scary voice.

Caboose: No I didn't.

Tucker: Oh, so you're saying you didn't threaten to cut off my head and give it to Church as a birthday present?

Caboose: You know, I think you're taking my words a little out of context.

Tucker: What? What context?

DuFresne is running up behind Church

Church: Listen guys, this competition thing has got to stop, okay? I thought we'd established by now...

DuFresne: Excuse me.

Church: Hey pal? One second, okay? I'm in the middle of something here. Ah leuh, I thought we'd established by now, I don't like either of you, okay? So competing for my attention, is not gonna do ya any good.

DuFresne: Excuse me.

Church: Okay. Yes. Hello. Who're you?

Caboose (scary voice): Don't ever be alone.

Tucker: He's doing that thing again...

DuFresne: My name's DuFresne... uh, are you Private Tucker?

Church: No, I am not Private Tucker. My name is Church. This is Private Tucker.

Tucker: Yo!

Church: And our friend over there in regulation blue? That's Caboose. Or, O'Malley, or whatever the hell he's callin' himself.

Caboose: Why did you introduce me second?

Tucker: Because he hates you.

Camera reveals two tombstones behind DuFresne

DuFresne: I received your call for a Medic.

Caboose: Medic... That was like three months ago.

Tucker: Yeah what'd you do, crawl all the way here?

DuFresne: I came as quickly as I could. Where's the patient?

Church: Well, she's about fifty yards behind you, and six feet straight down.

DuFresne turns around and sees the tombstones

DuFresne: Oh. (Turns back around to face the blue guys) I'm sorry about your loss.

Church: What- oh, yeah. Yeah, thanks man, it was tough but, well, what're you gonna do...

Caboose: We didn't like her very much. (whispers) She was mean to other people.

DuFresne: Who's in the other grave?

Church: That's uh, that's me. I'm in that grave.

DuFresne: ...uh huh. ...course.

Caboose: See, uh, he, got killed by this uh, crazy runaway tank.

Tucker: Or by the idiot driving it.

Caboose: Oh yeah, and then he became, uh, this really mean ghost, and uh, took over a Mexican robot's body, uh, oh! And then we had to uh, oyathatsright, spray paint him, ah, to make him blue, and now he is alive again, and he is a bionic man. ...who ...is blue.

Tucker: Right, and it took us six weeks to get his Spanish setting turned off.

Church: No esta completamente apagado, bendejo. Caption: Not entirely turned off, moron.

Tucker: (sighs) I'll go get the Spanish dictionary.

DuFresne: Wait, so, no one here is hurt?

Church: No, we're fine. In fact, I feel better than ever. See now whenever these two idiots really start to bug me, I can always just turn my ears off. Couldn't do that before.

Caboose: You said they were shorting out.

Church: I'm sorry, what was that Caboose? I can't hear you.

DuFresne: Well then let me just check you two out, and I'll be on my way.

Tucker: Whoa... check us out? Is this gonna be one of those things where I have to turn my head and cough?

DuFresne: (holding up a medical scanner or something) No, I'm just gonna check your vitals.

Caboose: (to Tucker) I bet I have better vitals than you... What's a vital?

Church: On your way? I don't think so, bud. Aren't you here to join our squad?

DuFresne: No, I'm just here to help out with Tex, and then assist in the canyon as needed.

Church: First of all, great job on the Tex thing. Mission accomplished. Secondly, the way that we need you to assist, is to help us kill all the reds.

DuFresne: Well, even if my orders didn't prohibit me from doing that, I still wouldn't. I joined the army as a conscientious objector.

Tucker: A conshe- who?

DuFresne: I'm a pacifist.

Caboose: You're a thing that babies suck on...

Tucker: No dude, that's a pedophile.

Church: Tucker, I think he means a pacifier.

Tucker: Oh yeah, right. Man I was totally thinking about something else.

Church: That's real classy, Tucker.

DuFresne: (running and finishing his scan) Well, everyone here checks out. I'll come back and check on you before I leave the canyon. Can you tell me which way to the red base?

Tucker: Why? You said you weren't gonna fight 'em.

DuFresne: I'm not. Resources are low, so I'm on loan to both armies to help whichever side needs me at the time.

Church: Man, that is so freakin' lame.

DuFresne: I'm just gonna go to red base and see if they need any help.

Church: Well, if you're gonna go up to red base, I'd recommend putting away that little medical thingie of yours. They see you walking up carrying that thing, they're gonna shoot it right out of your hand.

DuFresne gets shot in the medical thingie

Church: Yeah, just like that.

Another shot goes past them

Tucker: Scatter!

Cut to Sarge and Donut, Donut firing the sniper rifle

Sarge: Nice shot, cupcake.

Donut: Thanks Sarge!

Simmons: (firing his machine gun a few times) Oh that's right, suck it blue!

Grif: (standing up in front of Simmons) Yeahah, sneak attack!

Simmons: Sit down, you dumbass, I can't see.

Sarge: Pack up yer knickers, fellas. Let's go get 'em.