Rounding Error

Rounding Error is the first episode of Red vs. Blue: Season 9.

Project Freelancer

 * Leonard Church
 * Counselor

Reds

 * Sarge
 * Grif
 * Simmons
 * Donut
 * Chupathingy

Blues

 * Epsilon
 * Tucker
 * Caboose

Synopsis
The episode begins with Church giving another monolouge which is repeatedly interupted by Tucker's callings. Church goes to the cliff where Caboose and Tucker are already waiting to spy on the reds who are making modifications to their jeep. As the blues argue about what the modifications are the reds fire a rocket from Chupathingy at them. Church then hears Donut giving orders. Mad about how everything is so different he begins to go down to Red Base to set things straight saying "If we're gonna do this. It has to be done the right way or theres no point in doing it at all." The scene goes to many years earlier with the Director and the Counselor arguing over "the system" will work.

Transcript
Church: Hi, my name is Leonard Church, but nobody calls me Leonard. Most people call me Church sometimes they call me Alpha and a few people even know me as the Director, but I haven't been called that in a really really long time. You see I know that when you look at me I know I look like a badass space warrior, but I'm really not. I'm actually a...

Tucker: Hey Church!

Church: Uh... (coughs) Just, uh, ignore him. I'm actually a computer program thats been reincarnated in the memory of...

Tucker: Church!

Tucker continues yelling in the background as Church continues his Monologue

Church: I'm actually a computer program thats been reincarnated in the...

Tucker: Where the hell are you?

Church: Ok I'm just gonna start all over..

Tucker: Church!

Church: (clears throat) Hi.

Tucker: Church!

Church: My name is Leonard Church.

Tucker: Church!

Church: But nobody calls me...

Tucker: Hey Church come on!

Church: (groans) God-damnit! What! What do you want!

Tucker: Come on get up here!

Church: Yeah, okay, hold on. For god sakes I'm coming! Just shut up! (whispers to himself on the way up) God damn, I can't even have one fucking moment to myself. Can't even be alone with my thoughts not even for a second. Somebody's always gotta fucking yell or scream or "come look at this", or "whats going on over here", or "hey Church help me out I don't know what the fuck I'm doing." Fucking assholes. God I forgot how much this place sucks.

During the moment Church is whispering to himself, the title Red vs Blue: Season 9 fades upon the screen

Caboose: Nobody gets up here. Remember the plan.

Tucker: Plan what plan?

Caboose: We only have one shot at this. Don't let it fall apart.

Tucker: Why are you talking to me like this is supposed to make sense? Is this another one of your idiot shcemes to make Church your best friend?

Caboose: Ok. Shsh. Remember just let me do the talking.

Tucker: Do the talking about what idiot?

Caboose: Don't worry. I've got this.

Tucker: What would I be worried about I don't even know what your doing.

Church: (heavily panting)

Caboose: Hey Church. Welcome to the cliff.

Church: Hey guys. Man... (continues panting)

Caboose: Okay, abort. The plan did not work.

Tucker: That was it? Ok now I actually want to know what was the plan. Because apparently phase one was saying hi, what's next, were you going to wave?

Caboose: Abort abort.

Church: (still panting) What are you guys want.

Tucker: Dude are you fucking dying? You sound like my vaccum cleaner when it picks up a penny.

Church: I'm just a little, uh, out of breath. I'm not used to this. Been a while since I uh had a human body.

Caboose: Oh god I know. I hate having one of those. Its like it always wants to pee. Like all the time.

Tucker: What the fuck is everyone talking about today? Did I miss a staff meeting? What other body would you have?

Church: Its a its a long story. Remind me to tell you sometime. So uh whats up? Whats going on?

Tucker: We have movement over at the Red Team's Base. I thought we should check it out. Actually I thought we should ignore it but theres really not anything else to do.

Church: Movement? What kind of movement?

Caboose: The Red kind.

Tucker: Remember that new vehicle they got? They've been making modifications to it.

Church: Well that doesn't sound good. How are they modifying it?

Tucker: I don't know why are you asking me?

Church: Wait you've been up here watching them all this time. Can't you make a guess.

Tucker: Well I don't know man they sure as hell aint installing a stereo.

Church: Thanks, Caboose what do you think it is?

Caboose: Yeah actually I was going to say Stereo but now that seems like a bad idea to say that so now I'm going to say radio.

Tucker: Thats the same thing idiot.

Caboose: Yea I know but I still think I won somehow.

Church: Here let me see the sniper rifle and check for myself.

Tucker: Do you even know how to use that thing?

Church: Do I know how to use it. Of course I know how to use it. Don't a hey where's the... how do I make it do the uh uh thing. The thing where everything gets closer. Everything gets closer and bigger. How do I do the closer bigger thing. Whatever.

Tucker: You mean zoom?

Church: Zoom yeah that's it zoom. Wait were you saying... do I say zoom? Zoom, Zoom, Rifle.

Tucker: Press the black button.

Church: Oh. (zooms in) Shut up.

Tucker: Hey I didn't say a word dude.

Cut to the Red Team working on Chupathingy's recent modifications

Donut: Ok that'll do. Fire it up boss.

Sarge gets in the Warthog

Donut: Lets test this badboy out. Simmons hop up.

Simmons get's on the turret

Church: Huh... yeah looks like they modified their jeep. Changed the turret. What is that some kind of radar dish?

Tucker: I think its a rocket launcher.

Church: That's impossible. You can't fire rockets from a jeep dumbass. There'd be to much uh torqe or something like that. Its probably like some kind of microwave transmitter.

Tucker: Well they were loading rockets into it earlier. So unless they were microwaving explosives for a tasty snack it's probably a rocket launcher.

Caboose: Ah great. Now I wanna snack.

Church: Hey didn't you hear what I said about the torqe. Its probably some kind of...

The Reds fire a rocket at the cliff

Church: Son of a bitch!

Tucker: Yeah I'm feeling pretty confident about my rocket launcher guess.

Caboose: Yeah... I don't know, I think Church was right, I'm pretty sure I just torqed in my pants a little.

Another rocket is fired

Tucker: Ah! I hate being right all the time.

Cut back to the Reds

Donut: (yelling) Yeah almost got you that time sluts! Reload Simmons.

Simmons: Alright.

Donut: Lets put this one right up their ass!

Simmons: Uh, okay, sure, but you don't need to say it like that. I think the weapon is equally effective, no matter where it hits them.

Donut: START STUFFING SIMMONS!

Simmons: Ok, Ok.

The screen goes back to the Blues

Church: Was that Donut?

Tucker: I dunno that was the chick who was working on the jeep.

Church: That's not a girl Tucker. He just wears pink armor. It's a guy.

Tucker: It is! Are you sure?

Church: Yes, I'm sure.

Tucker: Uh... Then I suddenly feel pretty ackward about something I did 20 minutes ago.

Caboose: During alone time?

Church: What the hell is alone time?

Tucker: Hey it's one of the rules of the cliff dude. What happens in alone time stays in alone time.

Church: What do you do during alone time Caboose?

Caboose: Oh I do the same stuff I do during together time. Only half.

Church: What?

Tucker: Another benifit of alone time. Not listening to him for a few minutes.

Cut back to the Reds

Donut: Hoo rah bitches! Hoo fucking rah!

Simmons: Haha, yeah, take that Blues.

Donut: The next ones blowing your armor clean off!

Simmons: Or it will just hurt you a lot! You know some of us realize thats enough. Why do you keep making it weird?

Cut back to the Blues

Church: Damnit. Rocket jeeps, Donut giving orders, this is getting ridiculous. I'm putting a stop to this.

A slight tremor happens

Tucker: Church wait!

Caboose: Tucker get down they're firing again.

Tucker: That wasn't a rocket. That was... something else. Church where are you going? Church!

Church: To set things straight Tucker. If we're going to do this. It has to be done the right way. Or there's no point in doing it at all. Ok? There's an order to things Tucker. An order.

''"Order" Echos and the screen goes black. It then fades to the Director many years ago. The Counselor walks up to him.''

Counselor: Our operatives are in position Director.

Director Church: Good. Send them in.

Counselor: If I may say sir, my testing indicates that this might not be the best...

Director Church: The system will determine whats best Counselor. The system will determine the order. Send them in.