Red vs. Bleu

Red vs. Bleu is the third episode of the second season, and the twenty-second of The Blood Gulch Chronicles.

Synopsis
In the front of the Blue Base, the two teams negotiate terms. The Reds demand Lopez's return but Church is loath to surrender his new body; instead, he decides to give Doc as a hostage (even though he was going over anyway). In return, Grif is forced to public humiliate himself, to the delight of all, particularity Sarge, and Grif reveals that they ran out of water six months before.

Transcript
''The reds and blues not shooting at each other. On the reds''

Sarge: We are giving you a chance to surrender!

Grif: There is no way this bluff is gonna work.

Sarge: Put a cork in it, Fast Eddie. There's positively no way they know we're outta ammo.

Cut to the blues

Church: Yeah, they're definitely outta ammo... What're your terms?!

Tucker: Their what?

To the reds

Grif: Our what?

Simmons: I can't believe this is actually working. See if we can get Lopez back, Sarge.

Grif: Oh yeah. 'Cause then he can fix the Warthog.

Donut: Oh oh Sarge - tell them we want the flag.

Grif: Yeah, and some cake.

Donut: Oh... Wait wait Sarge, just the cake.

Sarge: Alright blues! First off! We want your flag...!

Simmons: Wait wait wait just a second. The last time we got the flag, the chick in the black armor showed up.

Sarge: ...to stay right where it is! Keep the flag! But we do want our mechanized droid guy back!

Church: Uh oh.

Sarge: You may know him as Señor El Roboto!

Tucker: Well Church, what's it gonna be?

Church: Chingado, no way. I'm not giving back my body. I just got this thing.

Sarge: And don't think you can keep his nuts! Or bolts, or other mechanical parts you may have!

Church: Uh, uh he's not here any more!

Tucker: Yeah, he left! He was all like "Sayonara!" and then he just took off!

Church: That's not Spanish you idiot, that's French. Let's try this. Hey reds! How about a medic?! Would you take a medic as a hostage?!

Doc: A hostage? But I'm supposed to go over there.

Simmons: Meh, that sounds pretty good to me.

Grif: I don't know, I think we can hold out for more.

Simmons: We don't have any bullets, dumbass.

Grif: Oh right. Take the medic. The medic's a good deal.

Church: Hey Doc. How's the patient?

Doc: Doing well. He seems very alert and responsive.

Tucker: He's talking about Caboose, right?

Church: No I mean his toe, how's the toe I shot?

Doc: What that thing? That fell off like half an hour ago.

Caboose: (sad) Rest in peace, pinkie toe...

O'Malley/Caboose: You shall be avenged!

Doc: Tell you what. Go ahead and send me over. I really don't think I can be any more help.

Church: Okay! We're gonna send over our medic! Now what do we get!?

Simmons: You?! You're surrendering! You don't get anything except humiliation and ridicule!

Tucker: We've already got that! What else do you have!?

Sarge: What do you want!?

Church: How about if you admit that the red team sucks!?

The reds mutter to themselves for a moment

Sarge: What if we admit that one of us sucks!?

Grif: Nice. Wait, you mean Donut, right?

Screen blacks and shows "two hours later" in white letters, then returns to the blues

Church: Okay then! We agree to the terms!? You first, and then we send over the medic!

Sarge: Get on with it, Grif.

Grif: (grunting sigh) I would just like to let everyone know, that I suck...!

Church: And!?

Grif: And that I'm a girl...!

Church: What else!?

Grif: And I like ribbons in my hair, and I want to kiss all the boys...!

Sarge: This may be the best surrender of all time.

Simmons: Okay, is that good enough!?

Church: Yeah! Alright, go ahead Doc.

Doc runs over to the reds

Grif: Man, I really hope you're worth this.

Doc: Can I ask you a question? Do they put something in the water here?

Grif: Water? We ran outta water six months ago.

Doc: No water, then what do you drink?

Grif: Uh, you know, ketchup, uh, soy sauce, gravy, the usual.

Sarge: I only drink the blood of my enemies. And occasionally a stawberry yoohoo. Or a sasparilla. Grenadine, straight from the can. Deeelicious. ...Oh occasionally I do enjoy a 'Sex on the Beach.' Or a pina colata. (singing) If you like pina colatas, hengh! Gettin' caught in the rain, hengh! And you're not in to yoga, engh! Grif just has half a brain, ungh.